January Eleventh, 11:11
by Smeepalicious
Summary: Happy Birthday to WOWZAcoolBEANS. Everyone knows that a wish on 11:11 actually coming true is about as likely as a pile of attractive men and a princess falling from a dimensional rift in the ceiling.


**A/N**: This is a fanfic that does not attempt to be serious, or even about the series. It unabashedly stars real humans—namely, my dearly beloved sister WOWZAcoolBEANS, for whose birthday this humble fic is a gift. It is also horrendously late, for which I apologize.

On a cold and dreary morning in a drab and ugly high school in a snowy suburb of a nameless city completely devoid of bishounen of any persuasion, the school bell chimed discordantly on a tone that had gotten lost somewhere between A# and B. Pencils that were still frantically filling scantron bubbles clattered to their owners' desks under the withering glare of their Geometry teacher. Slowly, with a collective groan akin to the creaking of a door hinge that would not recognize an oil can if it saw one, the students rose from their chairs and handed in their semester exams.

WOWZAcoolBEANS, who had, of course, finished her test and checked her work twice before her peers were half-way done, joined the line of her round-shouldered, exhaustion-deadened peers.

"Thanks for letting me borrow your calculator, Mr. Koizumi! You really saved me," Beans said, returning the device with a smile.

"Not at all, Ms. Wowzacool," he said. "Oh! That reminds me. Your sister dropped this off before class today; she said she forgot to give it to you this morning." He reached down and pulled a gold-wrapped box from below his desk. "She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'" Beans unwrapped the flat, narrow gift box. Inside there was a fabulous black headband with a stylish tuft of feathers curving up and over from behind one ear. It was just the right color and style to complement Beans's magnificent red-gold hair. At the center of the feather-tuft sat a beautiful white feather with a mysterious blue pattern; it shimmered ostentatiously under the school's dreary industrial lighting. In the box there was only the feather and a note on a piece of paper which Beans read and pocketed.

Beans smiled and donned the headband, taking a quick glance at the clock over her head. It was 10:28, so she had plenty of time to saunter over to her next exam: it was only her Band final, so she wasn't worried in the slightest. For some reason, she had the feeling that today everything would go just right. She gave Mr. Koizumi one more grateful smile before exiting the classroom, humming merrily.

_Meanwhile…_

"Oof!"

"MEKYO!!!"

"Hyuu~"

"OI! SHIRO MANJUU! Haven't I told you a hundred times to watch where you drop—"

A massive explosion from the left interrupted Kurogane's rant mid-syllable. It was so like that good-for-nothing pork bun to drop them in the middle of a battle. He quickly examined their surroundings and almost wished he hadn't. He found himself atop some sort of vaguely organic floating fortress with an aberrant painted face; it seemed to be only one of a huge herd of the things, and they all seemed to be causing as much destruction as possible to everything around them. He himself had been fortunate enough to land firmly atop his. Fai was suspended from one of the cannons that jutted grotesquely from the side of the… whatever it was. It looked like the magician had conked his head on the way down; he was dangling limply by the hood of his long coat, unconscious. Syaoran, Sakura, and the pork bun were clinging desperately to the long, twisted tendrils that hung from the underside of the floating mass next to theirs.

"Allen, look! Where did they come from?" he heard a feminine voice call out from over his head. Pointing at them was a girl in a very short skirt with high glowing boots that apparently enabled her to fly. She was calling out in terror to a white-haired boy who finished detonating one… thing… with a massive cannon growing from his arm. _'I will _never_ get used to this godforsaken dimension-hopping,'_ Kurogane thought.

"I don't know!" the white-haired boy shouted in response, blasting his cannon downward into the head of the thing on which he had been standing and using the momentum to backflip onto a nearby rooftop, firing into and eradicating three more of the clown-faced modules on the way. "They aren't Akuma; get them out of here!" The girl gave a terse nod, but had to leap out of the way as one of the things threw itself bodily towards her. A cheeky-looking kid leapt out of nowhere and bashed the thing into pieces with a giant hammer.

At this point, Kurogane had had quite enough of waiting to be rescued. He unhooked the dangling magician down from where he had been flapping in the breeze, and managed to flag down Flying-Boots the next time she looked his way, in the middle of delivering one of the lumbering beasties a roundhouse kick to the face.

"Oi, Pigtails!" he shouted, and gestured toward where Syaoran and Sakura were clinging for dear life. "Grab the kids, would you? And for Kami's sake, don't drop the animal—we need it." The girl looked slightly miffed, until one of the massive bullets narrowly missed removing her face altogether and she got her head back in the game. She whizzed over to the two kids in a streak of electric blue while Kurogane clambered down the front of the cannon-cow, yanked out two of the stripe-y tendrils that snaked out of the thing's creepy forehead, and held them like reins, yanking backwards with all his strength. The giant hulk slowed to a docile float. Kurogane was able to guide it, with many cusses and sharp yanks, down onto a nearby rooftop and hop down with Fai slung around his neck like a decorative stole. No sooner had he touched down than, with a sickening crunch, the cheeky brat's hammer crushed the thing like a bug. He dropped Fai and shielded him as what was left of their erstwhile mount exploded. Behind them he heard the white-haired boy's high-pitched voice call out "CROSS GRAVE!!!!" There were about fifty explosions, the sound of heavy shrapnel crashing to earth, and then silence.

"That was a neat trick there, Ninja-kun," Kurogane heard behind him. The redhead with the hammer was walking toward him. He had shrunk his weapon down significantly, and was tossing it up and down in the air. His grin was obnoxiously wide, almost as big as—

"Uwaaaah! Kuro-daddy is so brave!" Speak of the devil. Kurogane looked down to see a pair of bright blue eyes smirking up at him. "Ne, Kuro-rin, what's going on? I only woke up in time to see Kuro-tan shielding me with his body~" Kurogane sat up and brushed himself off.

"Never mind, let's just get that pork bun and get out of this crazy world." He turned around as Pigtails touched down with a whooshing noise, setting Sakura, Syaoran, and Mokona gently on the ground.

"Lavi, I think I saw a civilian walking around down at street-level."

"The one with the top hat? Yeah, I saw him too."

"I'm going to go see if he's okay," she said, and swooped away. Kurogane strode over to where Syaoran was meticulously examining Sakura for the slightest injury. He grabbed Mokona by the ears and held it up to face level.

"Get us out of here. Now. … Oi, why are your eyes open?" he asked the rabbit-like creature who, for once, returned his gaze.

"This world is full of Sakura's feathers! Mokona has been going 'Mekyo! Kyo kyo kyo!' ever since we landed! Mokona can sense at least three nearby," the white dumpling replied. Kurogane groaned.

"Woah, what the heck is _that_?" It was the redhead Pigtails had called 'Lavi'; he jumped out and grabbed Mokona with the greedy curiosity of a Bookman in his eyes.

"Mokona isn't a '_that_.' Mokona is a Mokona!" the aforementioned Mokona protested as Lavi poked and tugged at its rubbery flesh. All of a sudden, Mokona sprouted his golden wings and rainbow light began swirling around their feet. Lavi dropped Mokona and jumped backwards.

"AHH! I broke it!" he yelped.

"Oi, Manjuu! I thought you said we were staying to look for the feathers!"

"It activated on its own!" Mokona insisted, tiny limbs wiggling back and forth. As Kurogane was swallowed up by the magic circle he saw the Lavi kid thrashing against the tendrils of rainbow light.

"Mokona, I think we're taking some guests along for the ride," Fai remarked with a trademark smirk. The last thing Kurogane saw in that world was a tiny golden ball with wings; it had, until now, been hovering in the vicinity of his head, but had now clamped down obstinately onto his shoulder. Kurogane let out a yelp—that thing's teeth were _sharp!_—and the next thing he saw was the interdimensional warp.

_Meanwhile meanwhile…_

Beans had finished her band exam and was lounging, relaxed, with her feet up on a timpani. Except for a few stragglers, most of the other musicians had turned in their exams and were studying for their next test or chatting quietly, waiting for the bell to ring. Beans glanced up at the clock. _11:11, huh?_ She smiled. _I wish… for something really exciting and wonderful to happen._

Suddenly the feather in her shiny new headband lit up like a cynicism-powered Christmas tree at an atheist's convention. Beans looked up and gasped—it looked like the ceiling over her head was melting and starting to drip. The drip got larger and larger until it fell with a _splot!_ right on top of a gaggle of unsuspecting bassoonists and revealed a tangled mountain of attractive men atop which Princess Sakura teetered, a bit befuddled.

The girls in the room all began to squeal at once, blushing and inching shyly towards the pile, preparing to battle each other to the death for the chance to help one of the boys stand up. However, they screamed and ran when, with a feral roar, Kurogane exploded out of the pile, spewing bishounen in every direction. He was frantically clawing at his shoulder in a desperate attempt to dislodge the deeply-embedded Timcanpy from his flesh. He drew his katana and made to slice the golem free but, as he was swinging it out of the sheath, it caught a socially awkward French horn player squarely in his greasy, pockmarked face. The boy's head exploded in a fine red mist, obliterated completely by the merest contact with something as awesome as an interdimensional thunder katana.

"Timcanpy!" Allen Walker choked out, struggling for air with Fai D. Fluorite draped unluckily across the part of his chest that he needed to use to breathe. Tim obediently dislodged from the samurai's shoulder, moving to hover over Allen's head. Allen managed to throw Fai off and sit upright, blinking asphyxiation-tears from his vision. Cymbals crashed and a xylophone's teeth tumbled to the ground as the dislodged Fai somersaulted backwards into the percussion section, scattering band geeks like hippies from a shower.

Beans, still recovering from the shock of an absentminded wish come-true, stood up from her seat. The room instantly fell silent for no reason at all (although it corresponded rather conveniently to the swelling, romance-movie-soundtrack violin music that began to play.) Suddenly, in chorus, shouts started up from the bishounen mosh pit.

"She has Innocence!"

"That's Sakura-hime's feather!"

"Oh WOWZA!"

"Guhhh…"

But the one that sounded above them all was "S-s-s….STRIKE!!!" Lavi burst forward from the pack, riding on the handle of his hammer, his one visible eye transfigured into a giant pink pulsating heart-shape. He should probably see an optometrist about that. It might be how he lost his other eye. Allen, anticipating the move, grasped the rapidly extending shaft with his hand and hitched a ride on it. Lavi landed in front of Beans and pulled her into an embrace, whispering hotly in her ear: "This hammer isn't the only thing that reaches great lengths and becomes incredibly powerful when I get excited—aughh! Hey, what gives?!"

He was hurled aside by a giant glowing silver claw and arced backwards through the air, lodging his head in the maw of a golden tuba by the wall. He continued to protest through the metallic muffling of his voice as his legs kicked uselessly but attractively in the air. Allen returned his claw to a gloved hand with which he grasped Beans's wrist and kissed it, kneeling to the ground. He looked up at her with his most boyish and lovable smile, and when Beans returned the smile the dawn of true love broke with radiant light across his face.

"But speak to me your name, O Love's Angel, and it will bring purpose to my existence!" Allen proclaimed in a dramatic voice.

"I'm… I'm Beans. Beans Wowzacool."

"Beans…" He pronounced her name slowly, savoring the motion of his own lips around it. He was so engrossed in the perfection that was Beans that he failed to notice Lavi, tuba successfully removed, sneaking up behind him with a hammer. Sakura, having wandered off air-headedly in the direction of her feather, was suddenly distracted by a shiny piccolo and forgot her purpose entirely. Syaoran, having strode determinedly in the direction of the feather, had been suddenly distracted by a shiny Sakura and forgot his purpose entirely. Fai and Kurogane didn't want to interrupt the two with such trivial things as feathers, so they snuck off to the band locker room to make out. Forgotten, bemused, and deliciously evil, Tyki Mikk lit a slightly-bent cigarette and strolled into the hallway.

Alarms, buzzers, and red strobing lights went off around his head as he leaned casually against a pillar exhaling smoke. Beans's sister Smeep was strolling by and was the only witness when the school's trained attack force of walkie-talkie-wielding security guards leapt into action. They surrounded the tall, top-hatted intruder and brandished purple detention slips in his face; he unleashed man-eating butterflies from the swirling voids in his palms and devoured their internal organs. Smeep stared at Tyki. Tyki stared at Smeep. There was a long moment of bewildered eye-blinking before they shared a disturbing murderous grin. Tyki offered an arm to Beans, which she accepted, and they strolled out of the school.

Behind them, the sounds of raging battle echoed out of the band room; the band director could be heard whistling in rage as giant hammers and parasitic claws reduced the contents of the band room to splinters and dust. Only a single instrument survived the slaughter—a bass clarinet. Allen Walker burst from the room hefting the unwieldy instrument in one hand and a contented-looking Beans in another. Lavi followed on his heels, shouting after him.

"Come on, Allen, I thought we were friends! We can share, be a pal! Beans! Talk some sense into this bean sprout! Beans—BEANS!"

The giant seething crater of destruction that was all that was left of the nameless high school's music department was roped off in police tape the next day. Beans's family filed a police report and issued a reward for the return of their two missing daughters. The only sign of their presence that the SWAT team could find in the mangled band room was a thin giftbox, the perfect size for a headband, and a note, barely legible through the film of demolition-dust upon it. It read "Happy birthday, WOWZAcoolBEANS—may all your wishes come true."

After that day, the two girls were never seen again. Where they went, where they are today, and why it took Smeep more than three weeks to write 2600 words of crack, the world may never know.


End file.
